It's a new start, new beginning.

I’m reading about a serial killer and all you can say is tauba while reading all that I’ve read today and pray to Khuda none of your loved ones or any of their loved ones or just anyone has to deal with this. It hurts to know though, at this moment, all this is happening in more than one place.

I want to take this moment to say a bibi knocked on someone’s house in my neighborhood saying she just noticed her shalwar is backwards and she’s heading to someones house and if the person doesnt mind can she come inside to change her shalwar plus quickly use the phone the aunty said yes and next thing you know the bibi calls and says “guns haini aa, lekin votiya haigiya. Aajau” guns referring to guys and votiya girls and the aajau was to the gundey and in five secs flat they came to rob the house

oh that newton/strawberry hood😂

I am so excited to refer to myself as an English Major, I can’t explain.

sigh shoo away people

click “dont save” instead of “Save”

wow iqra khan

first time this has happened to me in my high school career

on my last assignment

wow

aye Khudaaaa.. jab bana, uska hee bana.

My brother graduated high school two years ago and he always says “Life only begins after high school, kiddo” ans says the same thing but like holly shieeeeeeet where else am i going to cry because my mom is standing in the cafeteria with my foods teacher as I walk in from skipping???  

haske tou tu dekh ek baar khud hee aaajaye ghi phir baharrrr gaa ley nayee sargaaam geeet ek naiya gaaa… chak de chak de chak de saaare gham

“2007 hindi songs”

my most favorite thing to type into youtube and just listen and breath and sigh at how much time has passed

woh ajnaaaaabi

Before Ans and I happened, for six years we use to call each other “malik saab” and “khan saab” idk how that started I think he use to call me khan so I started calling him malik saab and then he added the saab to the ending too and it just makes me laugh because mr khan and miss farooqui and lmao life eh

I’m feeling very nostalgic today, I’m listening to Kahin Toh Hogi, maybe that’s why and I have access to a laptop right now- you know what that calls for, not doing my paper and writing a blog post instead. Tomorrow’s prom, I’m not going to be going. And contrary to popular belief of all my friends, it isn’t because my dad said I can’t go. No. He wanted me to go, my mother did too, and all three of my siblings said so too. And a little bit of me wants to go, but then I don’t. It would cost so much. And I see how much my father is strugging with money right now; when a death randomly knocks at your door and when it’s your sister’s husband and you are to put up with all the expensives per custom- it isn’t easy. I couldn’t ask him for money for a dress plus all the accessories, along with getting my hair and make up done- including my nails, and plus a ticket. It isn’t a lot of money, I’m thinking of asking him for money for a couple of things anyways but the thing is, I won’t feel like I’ve wasted money if I ask him for money for the things that I want right now. Yeah, I’ll have fun at prom. I’ll get to dress up and wear make up and see how I look, I’ll get to spend an evening with my friends and have bittersweet tears in my eyes the entire night. But then, the next day- I’ll feel like I wasted all that money. I see it, I see how hard my brother is working right now. No other nineteen year old will go five provinces away and do such such hard work, I don’t know any other- I know a couple but those couple, they will use all that money for themselves. Rai won’t, maybe he’ll save a couple hundred but the rest of that money- that huge amount that he’ll make, it’ll all be given to dad. This post wasn’t to be about this, I guess I just had to put this out somewhere. As cliche as this sounds, I can’t believe high school is already over. Heck, even Tumblr has been such a big part of my high school years! The love I have in my heart for Meera, Reeti, Zania, Jasminder, and Jaaze will never lessen. They’ve known and read about my life since I was, sixteen? Yeah, I think that was the age. I know to a lot of people on Tumblr being eighteen is still a kid, but I know how not like a kid I feel. It is all my fault, all that’s happened. But the thing is, I’m fine with it. I’m fine with there have being a Saagwaan and Usman. I’m fine with giving them both my all and not receiving a tad bit back. I’m fine with it, promise. I’ve come to terms with it; Saagwaan was so long ago, Usman is the one that tore me apart. But, I’m okay with him. Because I realized, you can’t help who you love. I don’t know why he was with me but he wasn’t in love with me, or else he wouldn’t have been how he was. I don’t know why Ans is the way he is either; I have nothing to offer, maybe a few tears when my parents will refuse him but that’s all. I’m so negative today. I want to kiss Ans. I can’t believe I’m writing my final assignment of high school right now, how crazy is it that it’s on a serial killer. I can’t believe Shuja’s dad passed away; last year when babaji was sick, everyone was making duas that he would be okay soon- everyone was afraid that we would be saying goodbye to him. Who knew, eh? Who knew a year later it would be his younger brother that we would have to say goodbye to. Life works in the craziest ways. I wish dadi ami could come to Pakistan- this family drama will be the cause of her death. I want that watch and ring oh so badly, I need to save up money. I tried Starbucks for the first time today- yeah, never going again though it was good. I like my Medium Iced Cappucino with a shot of french vanilla from Tim Horton’s much better. I love the suit I’m wearing, maybe that’s why I’m wearing it for the second time in three days. It has a white shalwar and green/aqua kameez; it’s beautiful. I could live in this material of clothing. You know what’s one way to have a reality check of how much time has passed? It’s been a year since Mobin’s marriage, already. It’s been almost a year since Saarmah got married. I can’t believe she lost her kid. Allah knows best why what happens is what happens. I don’t know what I want from life but I’m not satisfied yet every night I find myself saying Alhamdulilah. I can’t believe one day this world will go on as if I was never a part of it. Jaane kaha woh duniya hain.. jahan meri zindagi mujhse itni kafaa nahien. I love this song. It makes me feel very sad yet I really love listening to it- I love this feeling, it isn’t the sad I feel often. Ans cried today. It hurts when he cries. I wish I could kiss his pain away each time. I wonder if there is a world- somewhere far away, a world in which everyone who leaves us lives. I wonder, I wonder so much. I wonder what’s to come but then I realize, you don’t even realize it when what is to come already comes and has already passed away. Alhamdulilah for so much.

Nothing beats lassi on a hot day.

Need to start and finish a Law paper and then, I’m done. Shit eh, last high school assignment.

I’m going to make Ans watch Mora Piya, I’ve watched it once before, with me this summer and we shall both be emotionally damaged afterwards.